The crazy journey of parenting..

Deuteronomy 6:7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. When Braxton went to Kindergarten I had this immense fear that Braxton would change who he was. I was afraid he would be so influenced by others that he would lose himself. Since Braxton has been in our lives his heart has always been the biggest and his love for others is beautiful. I have received so many compliments about his sweetness and love. It's something as a mother you wish for and I get the privileged of seeing it everyday. I constantly am reminded how lucky I am to have a child with a heart like his. I do believe without a doubt that God is doing work with Braxton that will change lives for so many people. NO DOUBT. Anyways when he went to kindergarten all I could think of was myself in middle school. I was this young little girl who desperately wanted people to like me and I would do just about anything to be that cool girl. The cool girls got the boys, got the attention, and everyone wanted to be like them. I without a doubt changed myself and it wasn't up until high school that I got over it. I realized how little it mattered and I needed to be me. Quiet frankly I was exhausted of having to care so much about what others thought of me. I've grown so much in the last 10 years I don't even see that old me anymore. Now I am well aware that my baby is 6 and things will challenge him in many different ways through the years, but one thing I truly believe is it comes back to the home. In this house we walk the Jesus way. My pastor would be so proud of me for using this phrase by the way, but it is true. However, I don't by any means throw anything down my children's throats. I will never make them go get baptized if they don't choose this path for themselves or force them to go to a bible study with me with them kicking and screaming that they don't want to. My job is to show them and what they do with it is up to them. However, with that being said I am not quiet about my love for God or teaching his ways in this house. I think right now that is strongly shown in my oldest. He is 6 years old and last night we had one of the most inspiring conversations that made my heart grow miles. Last night as we are saying our prayers and having our personal one on one time Braxton opened up to me about a friend at school. He talked about this young boy who is different from him. This boy has to have a walker, wear braces on his legs, and Braxton says no one really talks much to him. As Braxton is talking about this young boy he starts to cry. And it isn't just tears he starts sobbing. I of course was right there sobbing with him. He tells me repeatedly that he doesn't get why God would make life so difficult for a young boy. Braxton didn't think it was fair that this boy couldn't walk or run on the playground. Braxton hates that kids stay away from him because they thought they could "catch," whatever he has. This is exactly who my son is. He wears his heart so much on his sleeve and when you hurt he honestly hurts for you. He wants everyone to have everything good and when he feels someone is being mistreated he is not happy. What hurt me the most is Braxton was mad for the first time at God. He loves God so much and he tells me constantly how perfect our God is. So for him to question God was a reality I knew we would get to, but one I wasn't sure how to deal with. As Braxton was crying I told him that God is perfect and even though his plan might not make any type of sense to us we have to keep our faith in it because it's Gods plan not ours. I asked Braxton what would be the best thing he could do for his friend and he just smiled and said whatever I can to make him happy. The biggest thing I told Braxton was I was proud of him for wanting to do something good for his friend and more importantly I was BEYOND proud of the fact that he didn't follow the path of others. He's standing up for whats right and realizing his responsibility that God has given us all and that is to help others. We talked more into details, but I wont bore you with the specifics. After Braxton got off the bus this afternoon he smiled and said, "Mom I made him smile today." As I hugged my boy I felt warm tears of pure joy run down my face. I know there are going to be days that Braxton and I wont agree on decisions and there are going to be days where we both let each other down. However, we are going to keep talking and keep loving through it all. As people keep warning me that kids will be kids and they will disappoint you I am going to keep being naive and believe that God is always going to keep us strong and together. We are going to move mountains together and I'm very much excited for the journey.

Growing Up

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. When Brady turned one I knew I wanted to do something different for his First birthday. I wanted his birthday to celebrate something much more. Since Brady is the younger brother there was really nothing he even needed. My point of his party was to celebrate that we had a healthy baby boy & that I wanted everyone together. I think this is something so many of us forget about birthdays. Its not about the party, the gifts, or the cake. Its simply another year we are blessed with. I asked everyone instead of bringing gifts if they wanted to bring a donation to Rileys Childrens Hospital. The last couple years I have seen such tragedies happen to families and it reminds me daily how truly we take our very own health for granted. I wanted us to celebrate that we have a beautiful healthy boy and in his honor we should help other babies have the opportunity of health. Not everyone was for the idea and that was ok. Whatever was in everyone's heart was fine by me. We were able to give a donation and my heart was so full. I have to be honest the main person I wanted to touch with this whole thing was our older son. Braxton has been the only child for so long and lets be honest he is very spoiled. I wanted him to see that birthdays weren't about presents, they were about the simple fact that we get to celebrate years with each other. Sometimes I do things and I just pray that they open someone else's heart. This whole giving a donation turned out to be everything I wanted. Not only did we give hope to other families, but it opened up my 6 year old's heart even more. When we were preparing for his 6 birthday he asked me if instead of presents people could give a donation instead. First of all for a 6 year old to give up presents for himself to help others is pretty astonishing and I was truly moved by him. After I explained to him that as much as I loved the idea I think it was best if we took that step within ourselves. Meaning that Braxton was allowed to give his own money to his own organization. If you know Braxton you know his love for animals runs so deep so when he said he wanted to help endangered animals I was not surprised in the littlest bit. At first I thought this was a great idea, but I wanted Braxton to see first hand what his donation would do. I wanted him to be able to walk into a place of need and see exactly what animals he would be helping. We decided to take Braxton's money and walk into the humane society. It was a pretty amazing experience, but one that weighed so deep on my heart. As many of you know we used to have a lab named Maize. However, when Brady was born Maize had some major issues with him. Truly it wasn't all his fault because he was a baby himself. But after catching Maize in mid air about to pounce my baby and then another night Maize trying to chew through Brady's wallaby (which honestly could have tremendously hurt Brady)I realized it wasn't a safe fit. Braxton NEVER once has made me feel bad about our decision to find Maize a new home, but trust me I feel enough guilt without him even saying one word. As I looked at one animal that reminded me so much of Maize I lost it in the humane shelter. As much as Maize was brought into our life for Braxton he was my baby. I kept thinking in my head what in the world was I thinking? This was suppose to be about helping and I'm bawling because I miss our dog? Braxton grabbed my hand and said, "Mom its ok I miss Maize too, but he's in a happy home look at all these animals that don't have a home." Dear God how does this child do it? He is always teaching me I swear. The big thing I walked away with this day was that kids really are paying attention and if you don't think what you do matters you are going to have a rude awakening one day. Your choices, actions, and words matter. I am no where near a perfect parent. There are days my patience is at an all time low and I feel like I am constantly yelling. However, days like today really make me realize the importance of Proverbs22:6. Its my job to teach my children the Jesus way and look when they need to use it they really do. Braxton was there to help others that day including his Momma. He walked away with a full heart of how much better it feels to help others instead of yourself. I am a proud mother & thankful for a God that lets me know I can do this whole parenting thing as long as I allow him to lead the way. Now within a week my 6 year old is off into the world of school. I cannot tell you how many times I have cried about this very matter. Just today I was looking at a picture of a friend's child getting on the bus and lost it. For the first time in my life I am no longer in control of Braxton. For atleast 6 hours 5 days a week he is on his own with a teacher. Braxton is beyond ready for this journey and as much as I hate it I also know its time for him to spread his wings and fly. I will just keep praying and that I am giving him enough so he can spread that love to others and not change who he is:).

6 years ago..

Romans 5:8 "But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Tonight as I am reading I come up to this passage. For some reason it really struck a nerve inside my heart and immediately gave me goosebumps. All I can think of in this moment is I have a son who turned 6 yesterday. I have been beyond moved by this little boy for SIX whole years. He's changed me in so many ways in 6 years I couldn't even beginning to tell you. However, one of the biggest things Braxton has brought to my life is my faith. When I had Braxton I was 20 years old. I wasn't married even though I was very much in love. I didn't have anything behind my name. I was very much still a child. Even through my pregnancy I was naive and had no clue how big of a deal this really was. I was terrified. However, when I held this little life in my hands on July 17th 2007 at 1:09 p.m. I had been giving an opportunity to grow up right there or continue the excuses of how I would never be anything. I looked at this little boy and realized my life would entirely be about giving him everything he deserved. What can I say I was big time in love and nothing was going to stop me from changing my world. See I grew up in a Church, but I never once felt like I knew who God was. I believed in him, but I didn't love him like he had already loved me. I had realized to be the best Mother I could be I had to find a way to make it in this crazy life. God was my way. I cannot tell you how many times Conrad and I thought we weren't going to make it, but we relied on God and we relied on the fact that no matter what we were in this together. Conrad has and always will be my soul mate, the man who God gave me to push me through and love me when I don't deserve it. 6 years ago Conrad was going to school full time, working, and honestly showing me how to be the best parent. I was working full-time trying to get him through school and trying my best to be a good Mom. I cannot lie and say there weren't tears shed because there were plenty. Life for sure was a struggle. But when stuff got bad I always knew we were doing the right thing and God was going to take care of us. Looking at us now we are happily married, Conrad graduated with 2 degrees and now has a successful career, I am 1 year away from graduating nursing school, we have a beautiful home, we have TWO handsome and loving boys, and the most loving and supportive family and friends people could ask for. That's all God right there because we didn't deserve any of it. We were sinners, and Christ still died for us. My story is simple. I was a failure. I was no one. I was a sinner. God still believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. He put this amazing child in my life and immediately brought me to a whole new place of what my purpose really is. My point here is simple no one is perfect. No one has a story that isn't a little rocky. However, you can stand by that story or you can change your story. No matter what God's pulling for you.

Your Children Will Become What You Are..

"Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be." - David Bly. My mother in law made us this beautiful frame for Braxton before he was even born and this quote by David Bly was on it. I always thought it made sense, but I truly didn't understand it till now. My kids are the most important thing in my life. If you don't believe in love at first sight..you will when you have a child. When I had Braxton I loved him so much EVERYTHING scared me about him. I was that parent that the pediatrician hated, because I would call about everything. Lets just put it this way I called the doctor because Braxton hit his head and he had this huge lump immediately after falling. Terrified I called the doctor and he told me things to watch out for, but also that kids hit their heads all the time and this was probably nothing. He also then said and I can still quote, "Also Ashley the little gap he has in between his front teeth..if he hits that it will bleed like crazy..just hold pressure and he will be fine." You totally see he was telling me this before because he knew this would probably happen and he didn't want me to panic..because lets face it I was the one that would. My doctor was the best, but he also knew me and knew from the very beginning I was one that worried and I worried way too much. I knew becoming a parent that between my husband and myself we were responsible for these little humans we made. That means protecting them, providing for them, teaching them, and always loving them no matter what. HELLO that is terrifying!! The first year of being a parent I think I slept with one eye open the entire time. I was a freak to say the least. However, dealing with everything we had going on at the time I also realized I couldn't live my life in fear on a constant basis. Every year I grew more and more and realized the importance of being a strong Mommy. Braxton is now 5 and we are loving everything about him. He is playing t-ball this year, I believe he is already smarter than me, and seriously the kid wears his heart on his sleeve. He is by far the sweetest boy I know. He is extraordinary with his brother Brady who is now 16months old. Brady is my sassy, never stops eating, and huge daddy's boy. The boys are simply amazing and I wouldn't trade our lives with them for anything. Yes being a parents is exhausting, but the love I get from my kids is indescribable. Now let me get to my big point of this whole blog post. I love my kids more than anything, but my kids think I am Superwoman. Seriously in their eyes..Conrad and myself are EVERYTHING they want to be. If you have kids you know this and if you don't..just wait. Kids ADORE their parents! Now knowing this doesn't that make your job seem even more terrifying? You are their example. It doesn't matter what their friends or teachers do..ultimately it comes back to you! Your kids want your approval, they want your love, and they want to be just like you. See I always thought I knew that, but not like I do now. I look at Braxton and he seriously is the perfect mix of Conrad and myself. However, he wasn't just made that way..its from what he sees. My perfect example of this is when Braxton and myself were watching a movie together and he looks at me and just says, "Mommy I love how much my Daddy loves you." Talk about melting your heart. I am not here to tell you how fortunate I am to have a husband like I do (I will save that for another time :) )..my point is my children watch the relationship I have with their father. They see that love we have and they know how important it is to love one another. Your kids are watching and if you don't think they are..take a second and really watch them..You will witness so many pieces of yourself it is scary. Here's another example. I just ran my first half marathon. When I was at mile 10 I saw Braxton wearing my tshirt and waving his hands in excitement at me. He was cheering me on and wanting me to finish. When I did finish all he could talk about was running with me next time. He is constantly showing me his running skills and asking about when "our" next race is. He knows how much I enjoy exercising and he wants to be involved in everything I am doing. As I watch my kids grow I realize more and more my responsibility. God gave me these amazing young boys and its my job to show them everyday in my actions what this whole life thing is about. This whole blog post isn't to scare you in any way..its just my point to say life is too short to wake up with regrets..so be the real person you want to be..trust me someone thinks you are amazing and wants to be JUST LIKE YOU:)

Where does the time go?

Its hard to believe it, but today Brady is already one month old. He is becoming such a big boy. As many mothers know the first couple weeks are truly exhausting with a newborn and I must have forgot how exhausting they were since my baby is 4 years old. The first two weeks with Brady were very hard mostly because my husband is in busy season and was gone for the first two weeks. I thought I was going to lose my mind because it seemed like everything bad was happening. Not to go into too much detail but breast feeding was not going the way I wanted it to, Brady wasn't gaining weight, and I ended up getting an infection that ended up making me give up breastfeeding all together which was a HUGE let down for me. I am pretty positive I spent the first 2 weeks in tears. It was also hard having a 4 year old who was begging for attention and I had to learn to adjust to life with 2. Those first couple weeks were rough, but now things are starting to fall into a routine. I am VERY grateful that my husband is home now. Braxton really has become a great big brother and a huge help. He is always willing to give me an extra hand and an extra hug when I need it. He is still the funniest little boy I know and I couldn't imagine my life without him. Brady is thriving and becoming quite the chunk.

Here are some things you must know about our new little love:
1. He LOVES to eat (which I am not use to because Braxton is and always has been the worst eater).
2. He loves to pee on his mother..I have been sprayed so much its not even funny. My all time favorite story so far with him is I was changing him one day and it was poopy..as I finally get the new diaper on he starts spraying me..so now I have two dirty diapers..then I get him all cleaned up pick him up in his new outfit and diaper he gives me the biggest smile and poops himself..so in 10 mins I had officially went through 3 diapers..such a little turd.
3. Brady has already rolled over at 3 weeks
4. Brady hates sleeping in his bassinet. You will get him to sleep and put him in there and its like automatic he starts fussing.
5. He makes the most noise ever. He is constantly grunting. He must love the sound of his voice like his big brother.
6. He gets the hiccups everyday!
7. He looks exactly like Braxton as a baby!
8. He has beautiful blue eyes and his hair is starting to get blonde..exactly how Brax was.
9. Brady loves noise. If hes fighting his sleep and I turn the sweeper on he will fall fast asleep.
10. He is loved so much by his big brother:)

We are truly enjoying being a family of 4. We might be exhausted most of the time, but it is soo worth it and I am looking forward to everything that comes with it. I truly love having 2 boys..it fits me perfectly.

Another Sweet Blessing

So Monday I went to another OB appointment and my doctor measured me and knew it was time. I had been measuring big for weeks now and she felt it was time to induce. She told me she kept hoping I would go into labor, but the baby was getting big and with my huge desire to have a natural birth we needed to take a different step. This was totally different then my first pregnancy so I was nervous about it, but we would only be inducing a week early. I was term and beyond ready. As you all know I was carrying a watermelon and looking more and more like a moose. We had an ultrasound scheduled for the day before we got induced and we saw that baby was at least 9 lbs. I was really nervous, but totally excited to meet this little, well actually big baby:). We were scheduled to be induced Thursday morning at 7:30, but we had to call when I got up that morning to make sure they could take us. Well they had over 5 women deliver that morning so they kept pushing us back. We ended up coming in at 10:30, which actually was a blessing because I was able to get a little more sleep and time to relax. Knowing you are about to go into labor is very nerve racking. The one great thing about being induced though was having Braxton with his Grandparents knowing I had nothing to worry about with him. He was so excited too because he knew the next time he saw his Moma we would be holding a new baby. Once getting to the hospital we had to go through the whole admission process and at 11:30 my doctor came in and broke my water. When my water broke with Braxton my labor went so fast and since I was already 4cm with this pregnancy I figured contractions would start up intense right from the beginning, but this wasn't the case. Yes I had contractions, but they weren't close enough to do anything so after 2 hours of walking around and trying other positions, I told my nurse we should probably start pitocin which would bring the contractions closer together. Once we started pitocin my contractions started to increase big time. My nurse felt since pitocin doesn't usually start for 30 minutes this was all me and stopped pitocin. The contractions were coming full force and I was miserable. I knew I was already 4cm, but didn't want an epidural too early. My nurse checked me and said I was already 6cm and we decided to get an epidural. To all the woman that go without pain medication I salute you, but I am no hero. I got my epidural and minutes later said something is not right my left side is killing me. I was miserable and kept telling my poor husband I wanted to be done. I have to say my husband was a rock star for me that day. He did everything I needed. He knew exactly how to take care of me and I would have never been able to get through it without him. My doctor came in and checked me and said well hunnie the reason your hurting so bad is because that baby is right here its time to push. All I could think of is Oh my god this went so fast. I mean it was like a 20minute span between your 6 to ok lets push. I keep telling people I need to get my epidural half off because I didn't really get to use it. I was soo ready though and excited to meet this little bean that I was determined to see this baby as soon as possible. 12 minutes later Conrad yelled out its a boy and I had a new little one in my arms. I will tell you this that I will NEVER find out what I am having again if God allows us to have more kids. That moment when Conrad told me Its a boy was seriously amazing and it just made everything worth it. There are no words to describe it and honestly there aren't enough surprises in life. I highly suggest it:) trust me you wont regret it. I still couldn't believe I had another precious boy..even though I thought I was since everyone thought it was a girl. I have to tell you though having another little boy is amazing and we are soo in love. Braxton is over the moon about having a little brother and I think they are going to be amazing together. And the ultrasound was correct..Brady was born 9lbs 1oz 21inches long and totally perfect:)

After baby boy was born Conrad and I both looked at each other and said you feeling anything towards the name. Yes if you can believe this we still weren't 100% sure what name we would go with. I kept thinking we would have this feeling..but we didn't right away when we saw him. Our nurse, who seriously was amazing, said you guys don't have to know right now. She was right we didn't..so we waited. When we chose names Conrad always wanted Kamden and I was falling more towards that till the night before. I really started falling in love with the name Brady. So when Conrad looked at me and said his name is Brady I knew it was right. I also wanted one my kids to have my maiden name Whittaker as their middle name because my whole life I have went by the name Whitt so it was really important to me. So that's why we went with Brady Whittaker Bontrager:). It was perfect:). Plus we just love Braxton & Brady together:).

We are VERY much in love with our family of 4. Unfortunately the day we were suppose to go home Brady's blood work showed his bilirubins were high so he spent most of the day under the lights. We were able to go home on a wallaby hoping that within a couple days we would be fine. Although that didn't quite workout and Brady peaked up to 21 and is now in the hospital. He has been doing awesome since we have been here. He has picked up on feeding and the more intense lights have brought his bili down to 16.8. Hopefully by tomorrow we will be at the 14 mark and we will be able to go home. This hasn't been what I imagined for us, but I know this is what is best for Brady. It isn't hard being here for Brady and making sure he is taken care of..the hardest part is missing my other sweet boy Braxton. Luckily the ladies at his pre-school have been soo supportive and helping us get through it. I don't know what I would do without them. When we were in the hospital with Brady it was very obvious that Braxton was having a hard time not being with his parents. He didn't understand why we were staying with Brady and making him stay with our parents. It was really hard and then being stuck in the hospital again has made it even worse. However, Conrad has been going home with Braxton and we even had dinner together the other night at the hospital. I can already tell the difference in Braxton..he just wants to know his parents still love and care about him. That is why I am so anxious to get back home and give both my boys all the love I can. So if you get a chance please pray that we can do exactly that.

Ok wow this has been the longest post ever, but I cannot help but express my love for my new family of 4. We are soo blessed that God has given us this new gift. To my 3 boys..Love you more than words can say:)

The Waiting Game..

So yesterday I was enjoying my day with my favortie 4 year old, but I started realizing I was having regular contractions and was super uncomfortable. Braxton and I were downstairs playing in the basement and I had to make him come sit down with me on the couch because I just didn't feel right. With the nice winter storm on the way and a husband in Ft. Wayne for business I figured it was a good idea to call the doctor and get checked. I figured it was better to be safe than sorry. So I get to my appointment and he checks me and his eyes get huge and asks me how close my contractions are. I say 6-7mins apart..and he replies you need to go to the hospital. I was 3-4cm and 80% effaced. I told him about my husband being in Ft. Wayne and he just said to tell him not to mess around and come home. I was experiencing every emotion possible. I was so excited that today I was going to become a Mom for the second time:). Getting to the hospital was much different this time around. My labor was so fast with Braxton..a total of 6 hours.. and I didn't have time for all the nice check in stuff. This time I walked myself in to the hospital and I was calm enough to answer every questions while I tried to wait patiently for my husband to arrive. Once he was there I was even more relaxed, which should have been my first clue. After having me on monitor and checking me the doctors thought I wasn't in active labor. Meaning I wasn't progressing and they wouldn't push that being I am only 37 weeks. After a couple of hours on monitor and being checked I was sent home because I was staying the same. It was really frusterating to go from such a high to such a low. My poor husband tried to make me feel better, but I just wanted to have a moment to be upset. I felt bad that I had told everyone today was baby day and even worse that my husband rushed to get by my side, but honestly how could we have known that the baby would just say nope not ready yet. So they told me to take it easy and prepare that it would be soon. They offered me a sleeping pill prescription to get through the night with the contractions..so on our way home from the hospital we stopped at CVS and that's when I made my husband's dreams come true. I of course was upset so I wanted to get myself some goodies not to mention I was starving..and while looking around I found my husband a camo snuggie for the wonderful price of $4.99. He was so happy..so yeah we might not have a baby today but my husband got a new CAMO snuggie. He is so in love and he has worn it all day since he is working from home today.

So now we wait and hope baby comes soon..:)

Lastly, I just want to thank my wonderful Mom and Mother-in-law for all their help when I was trying to get to the hospital with Braxton. I couldn't have been so calm if it wasn't for these two wonderful ladies! So grateful to have amazing family in my life.