I fail everyday..

I started my LAST semester of nursing school and the excitement of it quickly drifted away when I saw all the expectations of the last semester. It doesn't help that I am about to have a baby a month before, but I try not to even worry about that. Mostly because I just can't anymore and quite frankly I am having a baby and that's just way too amazing to make it even a thing to worry about! It'll get done, but as every week goes by and the stress adds up I watch myself feeling anxious and overwhelmed. Even as I keep succeeding and making it week to week I watch other things falling apart. The biggest challenge for me this semester is I feel so inadequate with the most important things in my life. I have two beautiful boys and honestly they consume so much of my everyday thoughts and actions. They need me, but the more I am stressed with school the more I realize my God I really need them. I hate that everyday is like a race and I am just trying to get from sun up to sun down still alive. I start the day so early getting the kids to where they need to be, then its filled with all day school, then I become a taxi to get both my babes home, fed, homework finished, some play time, and before you know it they are off to bed. This is where I am back at the kitchen table trying to keep my eyes open to focus on school. Week after week makes me even more tired and there have been moments where I am sitting with my books and just bawl. I bawl because I miss my kids. I bawl because I miss my husband (who deserves a Gold medal for being my constant shoulder to lean on through all this. I am honored to call him mine). I bawl because I just want to quit. I bawl because I miss my friends. I bawl because I don't even know why I did this to myself. As I sit there and feel bad for myself something kicks me in the ass and says we don't have time for your pity party. I know how close I am and by God have I worked my butt off to get here. Trust me it would have been a lot easier to say screw this noise, but I can't. My point of this post isn't so you can feel bad for me, because you shouldn't. Yes I am stressed, but I also have found a lot of light through this stressful time in my life. Everyday I use to allow myself to feel like I am failing as a Mom. The truth is I am not even in the littlest bit and I see that everyday in my kids. EVERY single day! My oldest told me last week, "Mom you got an A on your test and I told all my friends that my mom is going to be the best nurse ever." He's so dang proud of me and wants me to be successful, so why do I constantly make myself feel like a failure everyday? Why as Moms do we do that to ourselves? Then I quickly realized it is my fault. I constantly let others make me feel that way. One person made a comment to me a long time ago when I decided to go back to school. It still rings in my head from time to time and every time I think of it I feel this intense anger. The comment was, "I cannot believe you can go back to school and leave your kids, I could just never do that." I didn't punch this person so you should all be so pleased. My point is working mom, student mom, stay at home mom..it doesn't matter. Don't let others bring you down on what's the best and what's the worst because you're a MOM and you own that hat. Don't let anyone take it away from you because more than not those comments come from their own insecurities. The thing is you make the choice and allow people that opportunity. So here I will own it. I am a full time student, but I am 100% a Mom. My kids don't suffer they see their Momma striving for more and my boys both know without a doubt that I am doing this just as much for them as myself! So here it is..I am 2 1/2 months till graduating and I am not allowing my success to be looked at as a failure. Ive worked too hard to let this last little bit be so horrible. I am going to try to be the most annoying positive person you've ever seen because quite frankly I cannot live like I fail everyday. You don't allow yourself to do that either, because as Moms we constantly do. Wear your Mom hat proudly anyway you do it because you are a rockstar! To all Mommas..you inspire me everyday & I love you and your babies for it:)