More than any family should have to take..

You might want to grab yourself something to eat or drink before you read this one because I have a feeling it is going to be rather long..

This past Friday I went through one of the most difficult days of my life. I spent a day in and out of the house. After my chem class I went home to drop off groceries and relax for a bit. However, last minute I decided to get a quick workout in at the gym before picking up B from school. After the gym I head to get B so we can go home. As I am pulling up to my house I see my walkout basement doors open and right then I know. I know what I am about to find out is my house has been broken in to. I pull up my driveway and notice the garage doors open. I kept filling my head with excuses that it's a family member in there so I leave B in the car and open the door to check (I realize this is so stupid and I should have never done it), but the second I open the door I see glass everywhere and run out like hell. I drive to the neighbors house bawling my eyes out calling the police. I also called my in-laws, my poor husband who was in Dallas, and my parents. My poor son in the backseat is just saying whats wrong Mommy don't cry. I get to the neighbors who try their best to calm me down and in my mind all I can think about is all the items in my house that are gone. I wait there until the police officer calls me and says I can come to my house now. At this time my whole family is there which made it a little easier having some support and also having someone watch Braxton because I didn't want him anywhere near this situation. As I walk up the police officer lets me know that the house has been broken into and he will walk me through every room and we can discuss what is missing. He informs me that they went through everything. Every cupboard open, every crawl space, every drawer. I kept thinking how could they do all this, I was gone less than 2 hours. I felt like I could throw up. Walking into every room finding things that are now gone is pure torture. I will never forget walking up to my bedroom and seeing the disaster. Lets just say they were not neat in any way. I also will never forget when the officer asked me if any jewelry was missing. Right when he said it the worst feeling in my stomach arrived and all I said was my wedding rings are gone. I knew they were gone before I even looked. I had taken off my rings to go to the gym and left them on my dresser because I figured in my own home was safer than sitting in my car. When I finally looked and saw they were gone I was done. I didn't even want to see what was all gone because I no longer cared. Those people stole numerous things from us, but those rings are so memorable to me that I cannot go a day without thinking about them. I would play with them constantly and now every time I do it out of habit I cry. My husband asked me to marry him the day after Braxton was born in the hospital. Those rings don't just represent my love for my husband, they really represent the love I have for both of these boys. Just writing these words makes me cry because I hate the fact that someone can take away that memory from me just to cash in. After everything was said and done I walked away hoping to wake up from this nightmare, but I still haven't. Everyone says to me be grateful that you and Braxton were not home and no one understands how much I get that. However, the issue with that is I cannot stop thinking about what if we were. What would I have done? What could I do? Would they have hurt me? Would they hurt my son? Those questions makes me so sick I cannot stand it and my whole sense of security is completely gone. I am completely haunted not just by what did happen, but what could happen. Just last night I must have checked on Braxton sleeping 10 times in 1 hour. Conrad and Braxton are my life and the thought that someone could break into my house during the day makes me think what else will people do. I know everyday will get better and I cannot wait until the day I can wake up and go to bed not in tears. I feel so destroyed and I am not sure how long it will take me to get over. All I know is I am doing everything in my power to do what I can. I feel like this year has been hell for our family. I mean seriously I don't mean to throw my own pity party, but my son broke his femur 6 months ago, my husband has been traveling like crazy and just got in a car accident less than 4 weeks ago, I am working my butt off in school, and now this. No one should have to go through all this. All I can do is pray for peace and hope every day gets a little easier. It has to.

I really just want to thank everyone that is supporting us through this difficult time. Your words of encouragement and prayers mean more than you could know. We love you all very much.

Making My Dream a Reality..

So today has been a horrible day to say the least. I woke up with a cranky kid who has been suffering some funky illness. Today he still had a runny nose, but was ok to go to school. However, my child has been refusing to go and saying he wants to stay home with Mommy. After taking him to school and having to have Ann rip him off me I sat in my car crying. I felt like a horrible mother, the whole mommy guilt just took control over me and I cried for a while driving in my car. I just feel an immense amount of stress right now. I am going to school, trying to be a good mother, and dealing with a traveling husband. Did I also mention we are looking for a new car and a new home. As exciting as those things are they also take a lot of time and work. Time and work that I just don't have right now. Anyways in my car driving to my hair appointment I just let all my extreme sensitivity run through me, every one needs to take that time where you just let the crocodile tears run and that's exactly what I did. As I am driving on the bypass all the sudden my car starts shaking uncontrollably. I pull over and you guessed it I have a flat tire. I just looked in the sky and said really what is your point? I got in my car and just was like I don't even know what to do..where is the restart button on this day because I would love to hit it. However, a wonderful firefighter came to my rescue and changed my tire. God love them. I went to my hair appointment and luckily Kristi, the spunkiest girl ever, put me in a better mood. However, when I left I felt the pressure of getting to my to do list. You know its always back to reality. As I get to the house I check the mailbox and right on top sits a letter to me from Bethel College. All I could think was God could totally make this the best day ever for me. See I applied for the nursing program last week and knew this week I would find out if I got it. When I applied I was told there weren't many spots left so I was just praying all my hard work this semester would pay off. As I was opening the envelope I seriously started shaking. I have wanted to be a nurse for so long and in this envelope read my fate. I opened it and read that I Ashley Bontrager was ACCEPTED into the Nursing Program!!! To say I am happy is an understatement. I am over the moon and this is just the beginning. Nursing school isn't going to be easy, but I feel so blessed that I have made it to this point. Just wait people before you know it I will be Ashley Bontrager, RN:)

12 days?

Well today my husband left for 12 days to be in Dallas for work. This will hopefully be the last trip away for a while. Usually I am ok with him leaving, I mean I don't like it but a week goes fast and with school it doesn't seem so bad. However, this time it just hit me hard. I think it is because these next 2 weeks are really huge for me with school and Braxton has been acting up since Conrad has been gone a lot. I just want these 2 weeks to fly by so we can get back to a normal life. I appreciate everything my husband does for us and I am beyond blessed to have a hard working man in my life. He sacrifices a lot for us.

The positive part of this week is my partner in crime, Kouse Whittaker, is home for spring break. I am so excited to spend quality time with her and so is Braxton. In fact yesterday we were over at my parents and my momma and Kouse left to go do something and Braxton was so upset that Aunt Kelsey was leaving him. He loves to play with her and thinks she is just great:).

Today Kouse and I are going out to dinner with our cousins:) I am so excited to spend quality time with family & I really think I need it today. Braxton is going to spend some time with Nana & Papa who he has wrapped around his finger. Should be a great day for us both.

Paleo Recipe..

This imagine makes you think doesn't it??

I have always been into health and fitness and I have done the paleo diet on and off for so long its ridiculous, but the truth of the matter is when I do it I feel great. My workouts are unbelievable and I have more energy then I know what to do with, not to mention my weight stays where I want it:). Anyways long story short I am determined to make it a lifestyle choice for my entire family. The truth is it wont be much different from the way things already are, but now I am determined to make it consistent. Since I have been doing it so long I know what works and plenty of recipes I love. I am going to make an effort to share the recipes I make because I think when people realize it isn't all that crazy maybe they will get the opportunity to enjoy the benefits.

Tonight I used my favorite cooking tool - The crock pot. That baby is wonderful for a busy mother. This AM I threw in every vegetable I had in my house. Celery, sweet potatoes, mushrooms, onions, and carrots along with a roast that I had just put black pepper, salt, and garlic powder on. I added about a cup of organic beef broth and let that baby cook for 6-8 hours. It was amazing and we have plenty of left overs.

If you are interested in looking at paleo recipes. I truly suggest everydaypaleo.com. This is a mother who feeds her family paleo and she has some great recipes that rock. Enjoy.

Hurry Up Busy Season & Get Out Of Here...

Well after a wonderful spring break I am back to school..Yuck. However, I have officially applied for the nursing program at Bethel and in two weeks I will know if I am in. Pretty exciting stuff. Braxton went back to school after spending an entire week with his Momma. I think we were both bummed to get back to the grind, but we did it. Conrad is working this week in New Buffalo so he gets to be home with us this week. Busy season has taken its toll on all of us and I am glad to see that it is almost over. I have never seen someone work so much in my life and I am just so proud that he does it without a complaint(well most of the time). I feel awful for Braxton because he is missing Daddy so much. Conrad came home last Friday from a week away and put Braxton to bed, after Conrad went downstairs I heard Braxton crying. I went in the room and asked him what was going on and he just said I didn't want my Daddy to leave because when I wake up I know he will be at work again. It broke my heart. Braxton adores his father so much and the relationship these boys have makes me feel so blessed. Not only do I feel bad for Brax, but I know how much it hurts Conrad that he can't be with him all the time when he is away on a client. I keep saying this time will past and busy season is almost over in about 3 weeks. THANK GOD! We cannot wait to have our family back together all the time. Even though it is so hard having Conrad away alot I am so lucky he supports this family so I can go to school. We are in this together:)

Will I ever be able to fill it again?

As you know from my previous posts we have moved Braxton into a big boy bed and now sits an empty crib in the other room. Many people know my secret, but for the most part I keep this secret to myself mostly because it is something that is destroying me. About a year ago I started having issues and had multiple ultrasounds. I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome. Most people with this condition have fertility issues. Basically you don't have normal cycles and many months I have gone with no ovulation. My doctor has informed me that she thinks I will have more kids because I have had one successfully, but with age it will get worse. As this year has gone by I have noticed my cycles farther apart and little ovulation. Hard to believe at 24 years old I would learn that maybe this is it for me. Now I walk by this crib and it hits me, I may never get to use it again. To say it kills me is an understatement. My whole life I have dreamed of being a mother to tons of kids. Being a mom to Braxton is my world. I truly believe it is what I was destined to do. I guess the hardest part right now is Braxton daily asks me for a sibling and the thought that I might never be able to give it to him just kills me. As a mother you want to give your child the world and the relationships I have with my siblings makes me want that for him. All I can do is pray that God gives me a chance to do this again in my life. This is my opportunity to speak out and let it go. At some point I have to stop stressing about it and let it be. I know God will take care of us and I just have to believe in that.

A Beautiful Thing.

Ever since Braxton has seen Toy Story 3 he has totally been into Piggy Banks. Lets just say he loves Hamm or as he calls him Evil Doctor Pork-chop. Anyways my sister had this Notre Dame one made a while ago and today I pulled it out. It has been WONDERFUL. Braxton gets some money whenever he has really good behavior and/or does chores. I have to say I love it and its so exciting for him because he is saving up for a trip to build a bear or maybe a leapfrog game. It is nice to be teaching him about money and also he helps me out around the house and he is really cheap:). Although maybe we should be saving our pennies too since Braxton wants to go to Notre Dame. Could you imagine Conrad of all people paying for Braxton to go to Notre Dame? That would be my dream come true.

Making Memories..

This week I have been on Spring Break from school. It is exactly what I needed. I was disappointed that Conrad would be out of town for the week, but I just made sure that I stayed positive and looked at this as a perfect opportunity for quality time with my son. This week we went and saw baby Emilia. She is absolutely BEAUTIFUL and I of course was a HUGE baby hog. I feel in love with her and Braxton got to hold a baby for the first time. Of course the whole way home I heard about how much he wanted a baby brother. Not only did he get to hold a new baby, but he got to spend quality time with his "girlfriend" Cecilia. I am telling you we need to be watching those two. They must have got married a hundred times that night. They didn't just hug each other every second there were also plenty of kisses being shared. All he talked about was Cecilia being his girlfriend. I am a little concerned although I secretly want them to get married and Lonnie knows he better start saving for that party:). Also this week my Dad and I took Braxton to McDonalds where he played in the play place for over two hours. My Dad and I just enjoyed watching him play. We got to catch up while Braxton met plenty of new friends and wore himself out. He had a blast and has been asking to go back. After McDonalds we took a trip to the mall and stopped at Barnes and Noble where we read books for over an hour. Braxton loves to read so it was awesome to have so many books to choose from. Also this week Braxton and I went to see a movie with Aunt Jenn. Braxton LOVES being in a movie theater. Having an ICEE and a huge box of popcorn with a great movie, its like a dream come true. The movie was super cute and Jenn and I enjoyed it just as much as he did. The big thing we did this week is move Braxton into a big boy bed. This bed was my father's bed when he was a little kid, mine when I was a little girl, and now we are passing it on to Braxton. This bed is truly priceless and I love that it is even in my house right now. Braxton has been soo excited to sleep in it. My son is offically a big boy now and he is just so proud. This week has been awesome and I have truly adored every moment with my son. I am so thankful that I have an amazing sidekick to spend everyday with. He makes me so happy. Now I have to go back to the grind of school. I am not that excited, but I gotta do it.:)